The Space Between

reflecting on what this space was, and what I want it to become

Hello.

It is hard to know where to begin. I am filled with humility and gratitude every time I sit down to write in this format. This time last year, I opened this substack forum as I was scrambling for ways to both expand my creative work beyond the limited container of social media, as well as find income to support a self-funded artist residency that was fast approaching.

I really did not know what I was doing, but the motivation of an urgent need for funds helped me crumple up imposter syndrome and throw it out the window for the first and likely last time ever. I created an account on this platform, and opened payment options right away. It took me over a decade of making ceramic art to get out of my own way and begin selling my work. The big-picture was so overwhelming, that I had to surrender to the idea that it was better to risk the embarrassment of doing it poorly than never doing it at all. Only after that surrender, did I discover the only way I was ever going to accomplish a creative career was by figuring it out as I went. Today, 5 years later, 2.5 of which have been full-time, this business is still largely imperfect but slowly evolving and bettering as I endlessly fail, learn, and try again. I am so so so immensely grateful to all my subscribers for sharing your time and thoughts with me in this world where information is abundantly overwhelming. I am especially grateful to those who have been paid subscribers this past year. Your financial support does make a difference. It helped ease the financial cost of a residency experience that changed my life and creative work. Words fall short in their ability to describe the deep gratitude that is felt when my work can exist because it is received and supported by other humans. I think of the poet Alok Menon (Instagram) when they regularly say “I love and need you very much” while thanking their audience. Creative work is a symbiotic connection. In a world of social media platforms and podcasts that create para-social relationships, it can be easy to forget that the life-force we feel, that tingling inspiration, that spirit of god, is a multi-way transfer. It radiates and ripples, filling all of us who are participating with an elevated sense of humanity.

As 2023 rotated into 2024, I experienced a lot of clarity and confidence that I wanted to release us both from payment on this format. I have paused subscription payments for what I believe will be at least the next 6 months. If you are a subscriber, rest assured I will offer a heads up before I reinstate payment if and when that feels energetically right again. I am doing this largely because I am behind on keeping promises I made this time last year and need to create space to catch up. I have every intention of honoring my promises. 2023 held a few large and unanticipated obstacles such as several months of depression coupled with pregnancy fatigue that redirected me from work I thought I would do. However it also opened up new ways of exploring “work” that I was blind to before, and for that I am grateful.

If you were here for the launch post in January 2023, you might have noticed that I largely fell short of the goals I set for myself and this space last year. It feels humiliating, but I am choosing grace, and I am so grateful for the grace I have been offered again and again by this community.

I am hoping to learn and grow in my writing practice this year, to be better and more organized in the offerings of this space. While publications have not been as frequent here as I promised, I spent this morning revisiting old drafts that were abandoned. Most of which, I questioned why I walked away. Why did I not just share them exactly as they were with so many thoughts so perfectly needing to be said within an imperfect piece? I am learning to trust my writing more, believing that this private and personal style of writing I can’t seem to avoid slipping into is of service to hopefully one other person. If it is a piece that only serves me, I believe I am still worthy of receiving the benefit of that process. May that in itself be an example to someone who also is in need of permission to create. You are worthy.

So here is to the coming year of exploring and learning and trying new things. While I don’t see myself abandoning the journaling/essay format that seems to be the way my thoughts prefer to come into literal spaces, I do want to incorporate more of a newsletter style into this space. I hope to practice sharing more frequently about what is influencing my creativity in shorter letters. I would for this platform to become more of a community space, and offer creative resources. While I am not holding onto anything too tightly as day to day will change drastically in March when I shift into motherhood- I wonder if 2024 will be about community for me. In hindsight, I know that my lessons of 2023 were on the beauty of loneliness. The despair, the strength, the clarity, the resilience that comes from that deep internal feeling of isolation that stings the most when you are surrounded by others. I know the world does not unfold in tidy packages delivered annually, but it is my deepest desire to cultivate community, and maybe I will look back on 2024 as the beginning of that.

Sending you so much love. Thank you for holding these thoughts.

With love and awe-

Kirsten