If now is a bad time for a short story, make sure to scroll to the bottom to see a special offering for subscribers only before you go…
I feel as though I am writing this a little prematurely. I wanted to share this piece from a place of confident renewal. I am not there yet… But I realize to think that I would have resolve in three weeks is akin to offering a quick-fix dieting gimmick. The goal of this personal project is inherently one of gradual, deep, internal reprograming. I realize this shift in my daily rituals is a decision I recommit to every morning, making incremental changes that I hope lead me to clarity and breakthrough in time. I can write this three weeks in, with confidence that it is working. It is healing.
As might be inferred from previous posts, I experienced hitting rock bottom in August. Again. It is humbling to admit publicly, but in the two years I have operated as a “Full-time Independent Artist” I have become increasingly familiar with this place. I never seem to climb up too far before skidding back down, with dirty fingernails, sore arms, and an exhausted soul. The revelation came that I need to completely change the way I am trying to go about this, because the stamina to follow the examples I see in small businesses around me has long expired. If I do not prioritize developing a better way, a way unique to my needs, creating art “for a living” will be a past-tense in my life. Something I will always be grateful I tried… but a place of struggle and emotional turmoil I can not stand to be in any longer.
I am pleased to report that my energy levels that were depleted over the summer time are returning to normal. But while I was in that space of fatigue, I would teach my Art Camps in the morning and nap all afternoon. Sometimes I could sleep for hours, sometimes I couldn’t sleep, but I could not seem to get off the couch either. In this state of limbo I did what most of us do these days: I looked at my phone. I watched videos on social media. Sweet animal rescues, reddit stories read aloud, baking processes, whatever the machine felt like feeding me. Videos so dull and mind numbing I can not even recall them. I was bombarded with ads. I would feel icky and put my phone away only to pull it out again a few seconds later. I hated how it affected me, but I also couldn’t help it. It is a full blown addiction. I do not identify as someone with an addictive personality. However, social media has always been a space where I experience a lack of control. And normalizing the concept that I suffer from social media addiction I believe gives more people permission to consider that they might as well. Due to the intentionally insidious design of the technology, most of us do.
During this period of the summer, my screen-time was averaging 6 hours a day. By comparison, a quick google will offer that the Average American spends 7 hours a day looking at screens, 3 hours specifically at phone screens. So while this offered some comfort for my abysmally high number, I had to consider that the 7 hours a day likely had to do with Americans who work on computers, in offices… I do not think that is the same as time spent scrolling, texting, playing games, reading emails. While some of my screen time is work related, most of it was a habitual desire for a subconscious dopamine hit. I made the decision to reclaim this time along with all the self-care I had let slip away within the fatigue. The next day I began the personal project I call “Analog Time.”
Analog Time- What if, without even consciously trying to restrict screen time, I simply tried to match the length of time I spent looking at my phone, with time spent looking at tangible resources? Workbooks, novels, magazines, beautiful coffee table books, and the large collection of manuals I have on ceramic techniques I want to try. What if I added time meditating, working in a sketch book, walking around the neighborhood, listening to the birds and squirrels that dive in and out of view from my back porch? This decision to reclaim my time and attention has given me a sense of salvation in the darkest of mental cages.
The next morning I sat down for my regular ritual of morning pages, and I began a timer on my phone. After pages, I turned to other things depending on what called to me: tasks from the Artist’s Way, a quick watercolor, the online workshop I bought and never watched (even though this was technically looking at my computer screen it was educational). Each day, I would start and stop the timer as my attention focused on and drifted away from various creative resources. In the evenings, I would check to see how much Analog Time I banked that day. I still have not hit 6 hours, I do not think I ever will. Intentional chunks of focused time are much more demanding (and rewarding) than the mindless minutes we steal that accumulate on our phones. It took a couple weeks to work up the endurance to average between 2 and 3 hours a day. Just as social media apps gradually changed over the years to manipulate our time and steal more and more of our attention… I had to gradually reclaim it, and hope to be gradually reclaiming it from now on.
I want to be clear that more than anything it was an act of faith to work on this goal each day. It felt frivolous. It was both a privilege and an absolute necessity. Everyday my partner gets up, and while I write pages he kisses me goodbye and goes to his very serious, very socially-validated office job where he works as a project manager for an engineering firm. And here I was, day after day, prioritizing my creative curiosity, journaling to find internal guidance, and timing how long I could stay in this space. I had to trust that sitting at this dining room table with colored pencils was more important work for me in this moment, than making pieces in the studio to be sold, even as I entered an other consecutive month without income from my art. Even as thoughts of my bank account kept me up at night. Even as any expectation for me to contribute to basic living expenses had been quietly shirked by the both of us. But I knew I had lost my way. I knew that trying to emulate the business examples I am surrounded by was leading me to abandon myself. Leaving my job to take my art business full time was supposed to make my life easier, happier, more fulfilled. So why had it always been a continuous struggle? I needed to finally take the time to try and find out. I had to step back, to step away, to have any hope of knowing where to begin stepping forward again.
This morning I checked my average screen time again, three weeks since the beginning of this project. It is at a 2.5 hour average. To see measurable progress, though it is just a small facet of a larger structure, is a weight lifting off my shoulders. I still watch a movie instead of reading a book when my brain feels fried at the end of the day. I still open social media unintentionally. I still don’t quite know how I plan to rebuild my life as a working artist. But I know I am getting closer. Journaling is helping me revisit old wounds I began to ignore that never healed. Researching my neurodiversity for the first time is granting me new self-understanding, and illuminating aspects I have wanted to force in my business that simply may not be possible for me. Studying is filling my mind with inspiration I am eager to start exploring. Meditation, walking and intentional white space is calming my nervous system to allow it all to sink in. For the first time in a long time, I feel myself dreaming up possibilities again. New visions for how life could unfold. I realize that in the past couple years of financial anxiety and hustle, I lost my “why.” I could not remember why for so many years I wanted to take this career path so passionately… and that lack of knowing led me to loose my footing and lose my way.
I share this project, because I believe it is for everyone. Even if it does not make any sense for you to stay home from your usual work routine to hold paper-bound books in your hands and free draw in a sketch book. I acknowledge, it is not financially obtainable for many of us in the society we inhibit. But look at your screen time today, and realize you have many more hours in a day than you think. They pass us by and and slip away without our noticing. Please reclaim some of that time. I hope that it can inspire more intention within your own daily practice, whatever that may look like for you. I believe the healing of slowing down and exploring what is tangibly right in front of us is for every human, regardless of how they seek to make a living in this world. I believe we will find societal solutions that are yet to be envisioned in that space. Even if you only have 10 minutes a day to give, I invite you to take it. Keep it, protect it, nurture it. I hope that it brings intention, clarity, and peace that accumulates over time.
With love and Awe-
Kirsten
Offerings:
Dear subscribers! I celebrated my 33rd lap around the sun yesterday. 33 feels like such a special number and I wanted to invite you to enjoy a little birthday sale to commemorate! Please use code: YAY33 for 30% of any item in the online store. Valid today only!
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